The Importance of Making Your Life Small When Experiencing Deep Grief
By Dr. Sophia, Betty’s Daughter
Recently, my husband, Adam, gave me some of the most important and helpful advice I have ever received. He was preparing to leave town for work for a while, and I would be helping my mother on my own. He also did it in such a way, that I could deeply see and hear his meaning. He took my hands, sat me down, and he sat across from me, and he asked me to eye gaze with him, then he started giving me simple, easy instruction in a soft, slow, and loving manner.
This advice was: ‘You are OK, and will be OK while I am away. Please think about how you can live a small life, and only do what helps you and your mother, and nothing else. Keep working, because you love your work and it makes you happy. You must get to the gym every day, because this keeps you sane. You must do restorative yoga and meditate, because this keeps you calm. See your friends for support. Be a golf range rat and focus on your swing. Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small. We will Facetime daily. I will be back and we will stay connected while I am away. Enjoy your mother.’
Only do what you can control. Do not get involved with people outside of this small space. Make everything small.
Not only did my husband really show me who he deeply is in that moment, but he conveyed something absolutely critical in this time of live grief, that my life needs to be small, safe, and contained for my well-being. He has been partnering with me in finding the balance of providing care for my mother, self care, and feeling grief. He was concerned that after he left town, I would go into Super Woman mode and do everything for everyone all the time, and then have nothing left for myself, and eventually crash and burn. His message hit home for me and has kept me in a safe space while he has been away. His message also reminded me of all I know about taking care of myself first, then giving others my overflow.
However, during my deep grief with the end of life of my mother looming, I need much more than the simple codependency tools I live by, I have had to drastically reduce the size of my life. This does not mean that I am isolating and doing nothing of importance, rather it means that I have created a very simple, yet helpful basic schedule, which is providing me stability and consistency. I am focusing on creating more energy than I am expending. I am asking others for help. I am setting limits. In essence, I am letting go. I am inviting others to help. I am taking care of myself, so when I am with my mom, I am fully present with her and tending to her needs. I am not exhausted when I am with her, rather we are laughing and continuing to build our bond, even in our shared sadness.
If I was filling my life with distractions and denial, I would not be able to healthily feel my grief and be present with my mother. Once again, I have proven to myself the Super Healing Power of Grief. My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother. I can feel that she senses my safe openness, and she is receptive; she shares with me things I have never known about her, she is feeling hard feelings with me, and I am able to be present with her.
My ability to feel grief in a healthy way is inviting me into a deeper relationship with my mother.
The shared grief with my husband has also brought us closer. Healthy couples get closer in difficult times and share a stronger connection, especially after the difficult time has passed.
Our ability to feel grief at helpful times allows us to experience deeper relationship connection with others. Grief Tolerance=Intimacy Tolerance. The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or.
The joy of deep connection is only possible with the balance of stepping into the natural grief life brings all of us. The fullness of emotions is a ‘Both/And’ not an either/or.
This small and simple life I am living is creating a safe and predictable daily pattern for my nervous system, so I am calm and present, and not exhausting myself while I am caring for my mother everyday. I am gradually building energy during this time, while still staying connected to myself. Most importantly, my smaller life is making it possible for me to be excited about finishing work and then going to be with my mom for a few laughs.
Thanks for reading about my grief journey. I am learning so much and feeling very blessed. If you find this helpful, I am so glad, please also share with someone who may find it useful.
Until next time…..be well, and enjoy a small life☺
