Real Grief in Real Time – Grief Expert Shares Her Real Grief with Her Aging Mother’s Decline

As I am present in my grief experience with the age decline of my mother, one of the areas I have noticed that is really helpful to her, is when I can simply be WITH her while she is feeling her feelings. This may sound easy, but how often do we get uncomfortable when someone else is expressing difficult feelings? How many times have we said or heard someone say, ‘Don’t cry’, or, ‘It’s going to be ok’? I have heard this deflection of emotion many times in my life. As a therapist, I witness daily how people get very uncomfortable when someone feels sad. One of the main things we work on in couples therapy or any relationship focused therapy is simply learning the emotional skill to BE WITH ANOTHER WHILE THEY ARE FEELING THEIR FEELINGS.

Being with someone while they are in their own feelings is a learned skill. This is actually very different than empathy, although they can be related at times and for different purposes. Being with another in their feelings means we make the experience about them, not us. Our discomfort, our sadness, our overwhelm is about us, and we should not make our feelings about them; rather we must feel our own feelings while we are WITH the person feeling their difficult feelings about end of life. This is hard. This is not easy. This is what it means to be in intimacy and connection with self and another, at the same time. This is the selfless relationship experience of knowing that, ‘I am ok, no matter what.’ ‘I am OK, even when my loved one is sad and/or scared about dying.’ When we become capable of feeling our feelings and knowing how to comfort ourselves in a healthy manner, it becomes much easier to learn this skill of being with others in very difficult feelings. Of course I am sad sometimes when I am with my mother, but I have learned the skill to both feel my feelings at the same time she is experiencing her feelings, and all of this ideally can happen at the same time together, focusing on our authentic experience together in intimacy and connection. 

Being with someone while they are in their own feelings is a learned skill.

So, what does this look like?

When someone is very sad or overwhelmed about age, or a physical diagnosis where life will be ending soon, here are some practices:

1. Hold their hand, touch is very helpful to give comfort and settles the nervous system
2. Rub someone’s back while they are sad or crying
3. Hugs can be helpful too
4. Try to resist saying, “Don’t cry’ or ‘You will be fine’
5. Try affirming and saying soothing phrases such as, ‘Yes, I know, yes, I’m here with you.’ ‘Yes, crying is ok and I’m here with you.’ 
6. Or simply being silent and touch can work too, but if we are too silent, usually people start apologizing for feeling their feelings and crying and we need to reassure them that we are ok with their feelings.
7. Also, important, find the genuine laughter that is also present in many relationships during these times in life, and experience that together too.
8. Try to be present for whatever bubbles up as you are together, but remember to make this time about the other person. Try to feel, but also find support for yourself on your own time.

Even during this time, my mother and I laugh a lot together. We are experiencing a very special thing: The fullness of life and pending death together in safe relationship. This is a gift I learned from my Mother, that I am honored to give back to her, because she earned it and as a human, she deserves this.

Next Installment:

       The Benefits of Making Your Life Small During Grief