When Your Siblings Create More Grief During a Parent’s Decline
In some family systems, the end of life of a parent can also bring a lot of unnecessary grief noise and conflict that is not about your aging parent. In healthier families, these conflicts remain minor and usually fizzle out as the process moves along. In other very unhealthy families, this grief conflict can actually become almost as big as the enormity of the parent dying, and when this happens, it is not only very sad, but also a direct reflection of the unhealth and dysfunction of the overall family system.
For siblings who are trying to be helpful and support their parent, one good rule of thumb is to try to stay focused on your parent’s needs and wants, while leaving room for each other to feel and grieve. What does your parent need to be comfortable? What does your parent need to feel content and appreciated? And, what are the increasing and changing needs of your parents as they decline? In other words, try to be atuned to your aging parent together as a family system. Adult children who can be together in this way are doing a great job, even if grief noise occasionally happens in minor conflicts, disagreements., etc.
Sometimes, very dysfunctional families create more grief than is necessary. Some adult children are so emotionally unhealthy that their original attachment grief gets triggered during death grief and they have no understanding why they feel so disturbed and over react. Reactive grief not only creates new grief and trauma, but it also perpetuates the generational family grief that has never been healed. Reactive grief can be extremely harmful in family systems and tear families apart.
Examples of reactive unprocessed grief are people arguing over a parent’s healthcare, not working together to provide care for their parent, or not sharing health information and communicating about care. Other ways adult children over react from their unhealed original attachment grief is fighting amongst each other, lying, manipulating, stealing from their dying parent so other siblings can not get items, and creating family conflict that tears families apart, sometimes even physical violence and legal retaliation.
My family or origin unfortunately reflects the most dysfunctional family type: not sharing information, lying, manipulating, fighting, legal action, and checking out to the needs of their parent.
As I am moving through the end of life of my second parent, it is becoming more clear to me why I probably became a psychotherapist and gravitated into healing early attachment wounding, called Original Grief. My family system is wildly dysfunctional and unhealthy, and no one has really done their emotional work, our family has been torn apart, and what remains are deep denial patters, addiction unchecked, sexual abuse unhealed, and no one looking in the mirror. I am the youngest of five children and have had the bitter sweet benefit to see who I don’t want to be, and becoming a therapist has helped me heal and create a new way of becoming a person that is new in my family system. For these reasons, I do not have much contact with my siblings unless necessary.
Years ago, I was targeted and sued by my family during my father’s passing, as I was his healthcare power of attorney. Other siblings participated, and myself and my son were ostracized by our family. My son does not know his cousins because of my family’s emotional unhealth. This is an example of Original Grief becoming dominant during death grief. If people do not know how to feel their grief, they act out and react in very unhealthy ways. Luckily, I was aware of my family’s emotional unhealth and was able to move through the grief without making the situation worse. Boundaries helped me, recovery helped me, and a few good, sane people around me helped me. My family never recovered. We are divided, and that’s unfortunate, but also OK. Recovery has taught me the importance of bringing good people into my life and letting others go.
Today, the same players are involved with my mother. I am focused on my mother’s care and not engaging in any conversations that are not related to her care. I do not have to worry about being sued again, thank goodness, as I am not my mom’s healthcare POA. I spend time with my mother and take her lead for what she wants and needs. I do what is right for her and for myself, regardless of what others are doing or not doing.
It is very sad to see the anger in my original family system and how it has grown since my father passed. It does not appear that anyone has done their emotional work still after all this time. Sad. Anger and hate is their way. I have been called names, I have seen and heard hate filled reactions that are very unhealthy, I am witnessing people check out and ignore my mother, and all this is the continued reflection of unprocessed grief.
What we can all know, is that it is actually easier to simply feel the grief and sadness. Feeling grief is the true experience and it keeps me healthy, focused, present, and atuned. If I were to get stuck in anger and hate, I would actually be postponing my grief and piling more unhealed emotions onto myself; this is what it see others doing and I am still witnessing examples of how I don’t want to live.
It is so sad for me to see people who truly do not understand that the hate they feel, actually pours into their own families and their own children, even if they think it does not. We all carry energy inside us, and whatever we feel is contagious. If we harbor anger and hate and unprocessed grief, we unfortunately share that with our children, even if we don’t know we are sharing that experience with our kids.
In the same way, if we feel our grief and our feelings and continue to take care of ourselves and others, our children and families receive that beneficial energy. For me, I am so proud to see my son thriving even when we have lost so much family over the years. I believe in large part, this is due to my healthy feeling of feelings and modeling this for him; I also share bits of healthy living during adversity with him when he is receptive. I am a mentor and guide to my son for how to experience and feel the fullness of what life offers, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I am incredibly proud to see him stepping into this himself and finding his own way of living.
Grief can bring us pain, and it can also bring us joy, if we choose it. Grief also offers gratitude in the midst of pain.
If you are experiencing generational grief, please know that you will be OK. Yes, it is very painful to have our Original Grief thrown in our face on a daily basis when we come from a horrifically dysfunctional family, however if you choose to feel the fullness of your feelings, you will come out on top- I promise you. The healing is in the feeling. The path of feeling grief leads to the fullness of living life.
Feel, Reparent, Heal, Get Grounded, Connect with Healthy People, and you will be amazed at the Super Healing Power of Grief.
