Real Grief in Real Time
When All Three Types of Grief Are Felt at the Same Time
The end of life for a parent or caregiver is a primal and profound emotional experience that affects us in important and meaningful ways.
Some people remain in denial and largely ignore the end of life experience that is occurring. They may continue to live their life normally, in a compartmentalized manner that is based in unhealth and lacking in basic coping skills. Or they may focus on the physical issues only, and not the emotional experience that is occurring. As a therapist, and a sibling, when I have witnessed the denial of feeling grief in my family of origin, I have seen people create significant pain and suffering for themselves and others around them. The choice and inability to not feel and process grief creates more problems than it is worth. It is actually much healthier and easier to simply be in grief and honor the experience life is offering to us.
It is important to know that learning to experience the fullness of life is a ‘Both/And’ much of the time. We can both ‘live our life’ and not live in the denial of a parent’s end of life. For instance, for me, I am consciously choosing to take care of myself and take care of my mother at the same time. I am accomplishing taking care of me by making my life a little smaller and less complicated, with frequent and effective self care. I am taking care of my mother in the over flow of energy of what my Small Life is creating for me. My smaller life is also giving me the space to feel my grief as needed. I am choosing not to be in a ‘power through’ mode. Powering through is largely a state of denial and unconscious living, and should be consciously chosen only in times of crisis or deadlines. The end of life of a parent is a crisis, however it is a marathon crisis, not a sprint, so we get the opportunity to consciously make choices about how we will move through this time.
For myself, and others who choose to feel feelings and live a brave life, the end of life of our parent creates the trifecta of grief: Death Grief, Ambiguous Grief, and Original Grief all being felt at the same time.
It is so important and helpful to try our best to be conscious during this Trifecta of Grief. Since there is only one grief neuralpathway in our brain, grief gets felt almost continuously during this period, and to be able to remind ourselves of that can be helpful, even if it is still difficult.
Sometimes during the day, my mood can change very quickly from intense sadness, to contentment, to happiness, then depression. I am choosing not to read too much into any of these emotional phases, because I consciously know that I am smack in the middle of my Trifecta of Grief, and anything goes during this time. The old 12 Step slogan, ‘This Too Shall Pass’ really fits me right now. I am stable in my myriad of emotions and feel safe that I am OK and this is perfectly normal. I am choosing not to try to hold tight of any emotional states, regardless of how I feel. I am aware that I am in the middle of a Big Grief Life Experience, and as long as I stay conscious, I am OK. There is nothing I need to ‘Do’, rather this is a conscious time to be soft, slow, small, and simply feel. I am not in control. However, I can control what I do and do not do, and choosing to do very little right now is inviting me into a safe space as all three types of grief play a part in my life.
The more I step into my grief, the easier this difficult time in my life becomes. The more I step into grief, I am a better caregiver for my mother. The more I step into grief, I am more restored in my own being. The more I step into grief, I can more easily be present and let go of resentments.
This Trifecta of Grief is obviously a difficult time in life, however, it is also the deepest and most effective therapy I have ever done. In Grief, I am fully Alive. In Grief, I am building my tolerance to experience all my feelings deeply, and feeling love, joy, happiness, peace, and contentment more fully. Grief is movement. Grief is the process into lasting joy without fear.
I am deeply grateful for my ability to consciously feel grief, and I am amazed at how my mother continues to teach me and grow the very best in me.
